Wal-Mart With The Cullens
by fictionfactor92
Summary: What happens when the Cullens are bored and Bella proposes an idea? Well, Wal-Mart meets the Cullens, of course! Takes place somewhere in between New Moon and Eclipse. Bella is still human. Rated M cause I'm paranoid. I suck at summaries. R & R Please!
1. Chapter 1

Wal-Mart Meets The Cullens

~ Chapter 1 ~

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight as depressed as that makes me. I honestly take my metaphorical hat off to you Stephanie Meyer, you did a great job with the sparkling vamps. They are amazing.

BPOV

I am sooooo bored. There is nothing to do. Carlisle and Esmé went hunting and wouldn't be back for a week, so it was just the Cullen kids in town. I was at my house waiting for Edward to get here, so I decided to check my E-mail as I waited. When I logged on something Angela sent me caught my eye. The title was 15 things to do at Wal-Mart. As I read through the list I couldn't stop laughing. This would be so fun to do. I smirked evilly at the thought, just as Edward came through the window. I quickly printed the list, as he blurred over to me.

"Hello love." Edward said to me, giving me a kiss. I mentally snorted at that thought. It was really more like a peck on the lips. He might as well have kissed my cheek if you ask me. It was annoying how he said he wouldn't sleep with me until I was turned, but didn't want to turn me. This boy has some serious commitment issues. I still love him to death though, almost literally, because we all have our quirks.

"Hello Edward." I said, relaxing into his embrace. His ice-cold skin instantly making me sigh in contentment. I made sure not to decide on anything, except going to their house. I wanted to surprise her for once, and I already knew she would want to do this. Unwillingly, I pulled away from Edward to look at his face, before speaking again.

"Edward, can we go to your house?" I asked. He looked at me questioningly for a moment before shrugging then nodding. He turned and crouched down so I could get on his back before he started running to his house. He loved to run and even I was starting to get used to it. When we ran, I didn't get that nauseous feeling that I did at first.

When we got there I got the usual greetings. Rosalie glared at me, that was a huge surprise. Please, note the sarcasm on the second half of that statement, thank you. Jasper gave me a hug, and said hello. We had gotten closer and he quickly became my favorite of the Cullen siblings. That, of course, excludes Edward and Alice, who, speaking of which, tackled me as soon as I came through the door and approved of my outfit. Finally, Emmett gave his usual bear hug and teased me about anything he could really.

After greetings and everything, everyone settled back down. I was still changing my mind constantly, and I could tell it was getting to Alice, so I smirked. I noticed how Emmett and Jasper kept complaining about how they were bored. This fit in with my plan perfectly. Finally, I decided to call everyones attention to me so I could explain my plan to them.

"Okay, I am going to get on with this before you all explode with boredom or Alice decides to kill me. I will start off with a simple question. Who wants to get kicked out of Wal-Mart?"

Okay, this is my first fanfic and I am super nervous about it. Please review. I promise it will get funnier. Also some advice about life. Stay with the dark side, they have amazing cookies. I baked them myself. ;P

~ FictionFactor92 ~


	2. Chapter 2

Wal-Mart Meets The Cullens

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

~ Chapter 2 ~

BPOV

As soon as I asked this question, all hands went up. I knew they would want too. I was starting to wonder about Jasper, though. He was bouncing in his seat, and I wondered if it was just the excitement in the room. I quickly looked at Alice to see her shaking her head at me, answering my silent question. He was actually bouncing in his seat and it was of his own free will. Repressed sexuality much? He he.

"I am straight dammit! I am not gay. I am not gay." Jasper screamed over and over. He was rocking slightly in the fetal position, with his hands over his ears, while humming. Maybe he was in denial, yeah probably. Wait, I had said that out loud? Oops, my bad. Anyway moving on... what were we talking about before this? Oh, oh that's right, Wal-Mart, yeah. Emmett raised his hand again.

"Yes Emmett?" I asked as if talking to a 5-year-old. Maybe the bear attack damaged his brain. It would explain so much about him. I really thought vampires were supposed to be smart.

"How do we get kicked out of Wal-Mart." He asked me, confuzzled. Good boy, I thought. He actually asked a useful question. It gave me a reason to explain my plan. He didn't know what was to come.

"These 15 things to do at Wal-Mart will, for sure, get us kicked out. Maybe even arrested. They are amazing and hilarious." I answered excited. They all perked up looking excited, also. I could tell they really wanted to do this. I know I did because I hate Wal-Mart. They have gnomes and redboxes there. I gasped as an evil plan wormed its way into my head.

After this there was no way we couldn't get kicked out. It was perfect and evil and, and just **perfect. **It had to wait until after the list though, we couldn't risk it. I heard a gasp and looked at Alice to see her looking at our future. Once she was done and had, no doubt, seen what was too come, a slow smirk was forming on her face. There was also a hint of confusion on her face though.

"The gnomes, squirrels, and redboxes are evil, okay. Beware. They have been trying to take over the world, centuries before even the Volturi were born. They have managed to keep their plans hidden well, but I know. They cannot hide from me. I am on to them!" I screeched out the last part. It is a hard truth to accept, I know. They have made you think they are harmless. The sadistic little mother fuckers.

"O-okay... well then, let's go to Wal-Mart and start from there." Edward said. I can tell he was questioning my sanity. One day, maybe soon, maybe far away, he will thank me for the information I have provided. For it could save the human race. We all piled into Edward's Volvo and Emmett's Jeep. As we headed for the Port Angeles Wal-Mart, all I could feel was pity for the poor store and its workers. We were about to raise some hell.

If I don't get reviews, I think I will die. Bu-but who will get rid of the evil squirrels, gnomes, and redboxes then? Hopefully I will pull through, for the sake of humanity. I know I'm insane okay? The voices in my head tell me this constantly! Mwahahahaha! Ahem... Sorry.

~ FictionFactor92 ~


	3. Chapter 3

Wal-Mart Meets The Cullens

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

~ Chapter 3 ~

BPOV

By the time we had gotten to Wal-Mart, I had everyone's jobs planned. I knew I would do the list one at a time though. We would do the list and go out with a big bang. I smirked.

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,  
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...  
The Earth began to cool,  
The autotrophs began to drool,  
Neanderthals developed tools,  
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),  
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,  
That all started with the big bang!

"Since the dawn of man" is really not that long,  
As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song.  
A fraction of a second and the elements were made.  
The bipeds stood up straight,  
The dinosaurs all met their fate,  
They tried to leap but they were late  
And they all died (they froze their asses off)  
The oceans and Pangea  
See ya wouldn't wanna be ya  
Set in motion by the same big bang!

It all started with the big BANG!

It's expanding ever outward but one day  
It will pause and start to go the other way,  
Collapsing ever inward, we won't be here, it won't be heard  
Our best and brightest figure that it'll make an even bigger bang!

Australopithecus would really have been sick of us  
Debating how we're here, they're catching deer (we're catching viruses)  
Religion or astronomy (Descartes or Deuteronomy)  
It all started with the big bang!

Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology  
It all started with the big bang!  
It all started with the big BANG!

Ah, the big bang theory. What a wonderful TV show. Anyway back to the task at hand. We need to wreak havoc in Wal-Mart, have them beg for mercy. We won't listen of course. They shall learn the true meaning of pain as I have. Alice will slowly pluck their eyebrows, drawing out the pain. Then straighten their hair every once in a while accidentally burning them, then-

"Bella! Thank you!" Alice screeched. she obviously saw herself torturing them... oh, sorry. I meant "giving them a make over." Whatever, that's just the excuse she uses so that she won't get in trouble with Carlisle and Esmé. She enjoys their pained cries I know it. Okay so maybe I was assuming and am a little biased but, but whatever. Bitch, I know shit, so I might be right.

"Alright since there is one we are able to do together, we will do that one first. **Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. **Instead of challenging other customers though we will fight amongst ourselves. Start off in pairs of two then when there is only two of us left, they will fight. Winner is therefore fucking awesome. You are dead if you get hit in the chest or throat." I said in an army general voice and dismissed them.

We all fought and it was an intense battle. Many lives were lost that day in the battle of Wal-Mart. Finally it came down to me and Alice. We apologized to each before the battle started. It was a battle for pride, life, and a title. A title that was life-threateningly important to both of us. Finally, I became bored and quickly hit her on the chest with ease.

Everyone just sat there for a minute, soaking in this new information. They were all beat by a clumsy human who trips over air. I laughed evilly at their expressions. This seemed to throw everyone into motion. They all started stuttering and sputtering. It was quite comical to watch. They demanded to know how I, Bella Swan, beat each and every one of them in the duels. I didn't answer, just laughed.

Please Review. I need to know how I did. Please! Was it good or bad? Did it make you laugh? Thank You!

~ FictionFactor92 ~


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